I Caught Fire

As I write out this blog, I’d like to thank all of you for reading.  Although I haven’t been as active lately, my blogs are still being viewed by tons of people, and emails keep coming in and I try to respond to all of you as well.  It’s very humbling and I like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  Sincerely, thank you!

 

So this blog is probably going to be somewhat longer than most, and only somewhat related to fitness, but if you’re willing to read through, I hope it might help you in some way as well.

 

I’ve had a rough go for the last few months and I admit that.  Unlike most people that portray this picture lifestyle on their social media, my life as I knew it was completely turned upside down.  So how do you overcome something like that If everything you thought was true for the last 5-6 years probably wasn’t?  It’s a tough game we play with our mind, our body, hearts and souls.  However what happens when the lies finally come undone and you find out truths about the people you care about the most?  It’s hurtful, stressful, daunting and life altering for sure.  How can you deal with the person you always thought was the closest to you, possibly having a life you never even knew about and leaves you stuck with intense trauma of fear, resentment, and insecurities?

 

When someone may struggle and see you as only negative, and their surrounding circle believes the stories and half truths, yet the rest of the world sees you as positive and fun, how do you break through that?  The answer is you can’t.  I think for years I thought it would change, one day but that really just lends itself to you killing yourself from the inside out.  Maybe this is where the term “love someone to death” came from.  However if you live each day to day trying to prove your worth, you burn out.  Not to mention trying to overcome things from 6-7 years previous that are never truly let go of.  How many times can you listen to “Never Let You Go” by Third Eye Blind before you actually realize that person you held so close has probably let you go years ago?  You can offer help, you can do things, surprises, but it all falls flat.  How do you actually lay your penance down if you made a few mistakes years ago, but have done a million things to change and make up for it over the years?  Well with some people I guess you just can’t.  I think that might have been my struggle the last several months.  You don’t want to let go, yet you don’t know what was actually true.  You know your own feelings and how you felt inside, but were they feeling the same?  Now you’ll never know.  However if they did truly feel the same and you confined triggers and trauma insecurities and they turn a blind eye to it still, is that love or just a sign that the horrible gut instinct was real all along?  Wouldn’t they want to ease the pain for you a little?

 

Life can seriously change in the blink of an eye.  It only takes one second.  My life did.  By no means am I playing the victim card here, as no one is perfect.  But what if we had aimed for that goal the last 4 years and it still comes crashing down?  You can’t control it, because if this was meant to happen, then it will.  And if they were meant to be with you and love you, then they would of.  You’ll be stuck for a while, certain songs, movies, stores, everything will bring you back to that life you once had.  It’s almost like a sick game the mind plays with you.  Can you still go to the Fair, a day in downtown Burlington, rollerblade through Burford, or get ready for the Fall season without hurt and tears in your eyes?  Probably not.  What if that person chooses someone different, maybe they already have, maybe they have for a while now?  Is that emotional cheating?  Is that cruelty?  Or is that just a sign that you missed a long the way.  I think the struggle for me has always been you want that person to just be happy, you try to make them as happy as they made you, but in the end they just weren’t happy and you have to realize you did your part, you were true, you were honest and you tried to build something, a life, a family, but it didn’t work this time.  You don’t want to see them fail, or hurt, but you have to one day realize you just aren’t their answer.  Maybe at a different point in their life, but sometimes they just need to experience life without you.  For me there has only been a few things that have kept me grounded and going.  My family, my faith, my dog and exercising.  Struggling our way through all the turmoil and heartache, we read books and articles and they shed light on mental health issues and also how to interact with other individuals that are going through them.  For me, going to work out is a blessing, I can turn my mind off for an hour and just enjoy myself.  It’s also a great way to help with restless and sleepless nights.  When your mind is just running on repeat, a heavy workout can tax your central nervous system and help you fall asleep quicker and better.  Not only that, but through all the stress, you need to take care of yourself!  People fall into the habit of playing the victim card and just drinking and hiding their problems, that leads to no where but more negativity and sadness. 

 

Where ever you are in life, remember that you always need to take time to focus on you.  Set aside some time to workout and clear your mind, and keep your health a priority.

 

When you find you…

Matt Barrett